A friend of mine wrote a facebook post the other day about their experience with Rosh Hashanah this year, about participating in tashlikh even though they aren’t religious, don’t believe in sin. And it caused me to think a lot about a lot of things.
This year, I didn’t do jack shit for Rosh Hashanah. I was more-or-less stuck in bed because my legs (and the rest of me) wouldn’t work. But as I laid in bed, with my ailing cat curled up on my chest, demanding pets now and again, I did my own little version of the tashlikh. Kinda. I guess some back story is in order, and also I want to thank my friend for totally unknowingly inspiring this post.
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. It’s a time of reflection, celebration, blowing shofars, eating delicious apple and honey-based foods. It’s also the beginning of the Days of Awe, which are 10 days of introspection and repentance leading up to Yom Kippur, “The Day of Atonement.” It’s a time not just of repenting, but also prayers and preparation for a sweet new year. Tashlikh, which means “casting off,” is a ritual that is practiced on Rosh Hashanah where we throw pieces of bread into a body of water as a symbolic act of throwing away our sins. During this action, we think of our sins, repent, and then throw the bread. Kind of like writing stuff on a piece of paper and then burning it to release it.
Much like my friend, while my Jewish traditions are deeply meaningful to me, I’m not particularly religious. I don’t believe in god, per se, and I definitely don’t believe in the concept of sin. This throws a pretty big wrench in a lot of religions, but really comes to light during holidays that are centered around repentance of and atonement for sin.
As you likely know if you’ve read my work or just have hung around me, I grew up in a suuuuuuuper evangelical Christian home, was homeschooled, and extremely isolated from much of life outside of church. My connection to Judaism comes from my best friend since age 6, a delightful Jewish girl named Rei, whose family really took me in in many ways, loved me, made me feel safe and cared for. For the very first time, really. And even as I was struggling with my faith as a child, I could identify that celebrating the holidays or lighting candles with my chosen family (who chose me back) was the first time I ever felt positive connotations with religion. And not just that, it deeply tied Jewish tradition to love, family, safety, kindness in my mind. And to this day, while I have loudly renounced religion, god, sin, and all the brainwashing that was shoved down my throat since day 1, I still practice the rituals of my faith, or at least of the faith that showed me love. There’s a lot of Judaism that I disagree with, much like any organized religion. But it’s also a space that’s provided me with love, hope, warmth, and connection for nearly 30 years now. Which is why for YEARS I’ve been right on the cusp of officially converting. I’ve talked to my Rabbi about it numerous times, and have repeatedly been told that while I am invited and encouraged to do so, “it’s not about what’s “official,” but what’s in your heart, and where it is, and where you are.” Something about converting to any Religion feels bad in my soul, while leaning into my faith and practices feels good. So here I am, 28 years after being welcomed into a Jewish family and shown love, still lighting my candles and singing my blessings. What can I say?
Usually for Rosh Hashanah I do at least a small something. Sing some blessings, prepare an apple and honey dish (or just nosh on some apples an honey, ushering in a sweet and bountiful new year), spend some time in introspection. This year, as I mentioned, I was pretty much bedbound. Just, dealing with some flares: my legs kept giving out beneath me, and the pain was incredible. Additionally, my sweet baby cat (baby of 17 years) is quite ill, and most of my days are spent now doing Kitty Hospice, and just cuddling with her. So this year, I did nothing. Except, I did still practice tashlikh… kinda.
As I was in bed, with my sweet little cat napping on my lap, I took some time to reflect on my past year. As I said, I don’t believe in sin. I do believe we do things that can harm ourselves or others, but sin implies some unwavering morality, some divine contract we have somehow broken, often just by existing as we are, and that must spend time trying to absolve ourselves of these transgressions, begging for forgiveness, otherwise our eternal souls hang in the balance. And, like… that just sounds like some shit some humans came up with to control other humans, to me. Having grown up primarily under the Christian thumb, I have been aware since day one that anything I do or however I exist, even down to the thoughts that pass through my brainpan, are or could be sinful, damning me to eternal torture. And as an adult looking at myself, my friends, my loved ones, who all in some ways would fall under the category of “sinner…” I don’t know man… it just seems like so much bullshit.
They’re also genuinely wonderful and good people (and I hope I am too!) who sometimes make choices that cause harm or cross some sort of boundary. But, like… people make mistakes! People do harmful things, sometimes intentionally but often unintentionally, or for very complex reasons. And I don’t think that makes those things a “sin,” I think that makes the human human, and now in a place where they have an opportunity to rectify things with the person they have slighted, or at the very least to reflect upon what they’ve done, learn from it, and do better moving forward.
Not everyone chooses to rectify harmful deeds, or even learn a damn thing from them. Some people just go on being kinda shitty, a bit narcissistic, completely ignorant of the fact that they’re hurting others, or whatever. And that is not #goals in my opinion, but I still don’t think that makes them a sinner or their actions sins. Again, it makes them human with room to grow. Just like the rest of us.
I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to academically back up my beliefs. And sometimes that’s possible, but often it isn’t, as that’s now how faith works. But the best evidence I have for the fact that the concept of “sin” is not only bullshit and a control mechanism, but also somewhere between totally useless and actively harmful, is anecdotal. I look at the people in my life who are very dedicated to a faith where sin is a central concept, where their time and energy is spent trying to avoid sin (but of course the goalpost just keeps moving) and repentence and self-flagellation at the feet of some supposedly good and loving deity. And broad brush, they not only seem to not be “less sinful” or better, kinder people, but often are far more unkind and harmful, but with the escape mechanism for their shittiness that “the ground is level at the foot of the cross!” Which is a phrase I heard on LOOP growing up, which basically means that no matter how big or small your sin is, whether you thought about how cute a human is when you should have been saving yourself for your future spouse, or whether it’s abuse, rape, murder, Jesus sees them all as equal and forgives them all equally. All you gotta do is say “forgive me lord!” and presto! You’re a better person than the people you’ve been hurting, because Jesus *insert cool sunglasses emoji here*
Similarly, no matter how much good you do, how kind you are to those around you, how much of yourself you give to try and make the world a better place, NONE OF IT MATTERS. Because SIN! And that is a system that is, to my eyes, so fucking obviously rigged from the start that how could it be anything other than an abhorrently unethical tool that is being used to control people, to make them act the way you want and give you money. It also is super convenient because, as mentioned above, there’s literally zero oversight. There’s no one saying “I see you have sinned, and are asking for forgiveness from god for this sin. But dude, you just keep doing this same fucking sin over and over and over and then just asking forgiveness and doing it again. This isn’t acceptable.” or “Yeah, actually leaving a “tip” for your hard working, underpaid waitress at your fav restaurant that actually turns out to be a chick tract or an invite to church is actually extremely unkind and harmful. Stop doing that, and also, here is a way in which you can help rectify the harm you’ve done.” No, it’s just “between you and god,” which again is very convenient.
Jesus famously once told someone to “go and sin no more.” But if you subscribe to the idea of sin and what is classified as such, it’s pretty clear that that’s an impossible challenge. Which I think is supposed to highlight that Jesus is “the only way,” but also I like to believe that (assuming Jesus was a real human and said literally any of these things), it was his way of saying “Hey Brent, it’s good of you to ask for forgiveness for beating the shit out of your girlfriend. But a, you need to apologize to her, not me, and b, STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!
We could also get into the fallacies in the concept of hell, even just within the Christian texts, but that’s a whole ‘nother post, and plus, one of the beauties of Jewish traditions is that hell isn’t really a thing. As someone who grew up TERRIFIED that I was going to spend eternity burning because I just couldn’t possibly be good enough, that I’d forget to repent for a sin I didn’t’ know I’d committed, that my faith just wasn’t strong enough even though I was believing with all my little heart, it makes sense that hell is a construct that was concocted right along with sin to control folx and make them do what you want sheerly out of terror. And while that’s effective, may I just say THAT’S SO FUCKED UP! Teaching this shit to kids should be considered child abuse, honestly.
Control by fear, the premise of most major faiths, despite what their devotees will tell you about love and grace (depending on your faith), is at the core of most if not all organized religious, as far as I can tell. And as an adult who’s been through therapy, had to work through years and years of hating myself because I was a dirty sinner, unlovable and unworthy of love, I can now look at it all and kind of laugh. Not that it’s funny, it’s not. It’s seriously psychologically damaging. But I can laugh at the extremely transparent attempt to manipulate people by using fear, uncertainty about the future, guilt, and brainwashing, and how it’s presented as “love.” FUCK THAT.
So what about Rosh Hashanah? What about the tashlikh?
I spent an afternoon thinking back over my year and considering the ways in which I may have hurt others, might not have done as well as I could have for someone, or areas that I can see I have room to grow and heal. And instead of feeling terror and guilt and shame, I just sat with my thoughts. Sat with my feelings, which definitely had some guilt in them, but moving past that I could identify the ways in which I’ve already made things right with those I’ve hurt, or how I could. I meditated on the areas of my life I can do better in, can grow in, can exhibit more kindness and patience in. And I also thought about how far I’ve come (another theme between my friend who I mentioned at the top and myself). How a year, or two, or ten ago I wasn’t this calm, kind, passionate, healthy person who was focused on making the world better for everyone. I was in the midst of untreated PTSD, triggered and edgy, moody and sometimes emotionally volatile. I’ve always wanted to spend my life helping others in some way, but that has also shifted, and I’ve had the opportunity to identify my own privileges, and harmful ways I went about things, even if my intentions were good. I’ve learned so much about myself, about humanity in general, and the world around me, and am able to use that knowledge to try and meet people where they are, to show compassion and understanding, and to forever listen better.
It’s been many years since I’ve worried about the idea of sin, and I’ve been a much happier and honestly better person for it. I mean, if the thing keeping us from “sin” is fear of punishment, that doesn’t make you a good person, it makes you a harmful person on a leash. And if your “sins” can just be wiped away by talking to the sky and raising your hands and closing your eyes in church when the worship song gets to the chorus, then what’s the point at all?
I’ve been meditating on all of this, as well as a continuing meditation of who am I as a “jew-ish” person, someone who’s been observing this faith and traditions for over 20 years now. How am I making the world better, and where do I have more room to learn and grow? What is my role in engaging with others, and sharing information or perspectives that challenge privilege, or just comfort? How can I do better, how can I heal would that I may have even caused? But also how can I do all these things while also loving myself for who and what I am, and loving others for who and what they are.
This Rosh Hashanah, I closed out my year with thoughts of how to be kinder, how to love on everyone better, how to serve my community better while not burning myself out. But also how to take no shit and to hold my boundaries, to protect my heart and the work I’ve done on it. How to live well and kindly, ethically and responsibly, without having to psychologically abuse myself and others in the process. And I think this year, the year of 5783 / 2022, is going to truly be a bountiful and sweet year. And I’m so excited for it!